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| I mean that. At least 50 percent of me does.
It's such a trip being back in the way that it's not a trip. I'd
extrapolate, but I've done it in a previous post, so bleh. Lately, I've
been biding my time by searching for jobs, hanging out with friends,
finding reasons to go out and smoke in my car (half of the time
convincing myself that I need to go out, cuz I'm lazy like that), and
playing God of War 2, which kicks tremendous ass, btw. All in all, not
too far off from what I expected my time back here to be like.
I just got hired to a tutoring position. The hours aren't that great as
I'll be working with high school kids and under, which means nights,
and some weekends in the morning, but the pay's pretty damn alright, so
at least that's one thing to be happy about. At the same time, I'm glad
that I have this job, but I'm choosing my next step carefully because I
don't want to get pigeonholed into the education industry, although in
all fairness, that's probably my only specialization right now that I
can name without being sarcastic or sounding like a complete douchebag
in the process. But then again, I think I'll be lucky. When future
recruiters see my resume, they'll disregard my work experience in
China, because as we all know, anything that might sound legitimate is
hardly legitimate if it's in China.
Being over there, as I've mentioned before, allows one some sort of
outsider spectator position, an especially unique one for someone like
me who juggles two cultures simultaneously and can't decide which one
is more backwards. Being back here, this sensation is exponentially
stretched out, because now I'm back here on my old stomping grounds.
What I mean is this: watching the news over in China about how Bush
fucked up again affects me in the way where I'll point at the TV and
start bitching about how America is the great Satan of the West as
undercooked ramen spills out of my mouth. But here, I'm just another
dirty being who feels drawn, nay, compelled to open his piehole the
second he sees something he either approves or disapproves of, because
dammit, that's his right and destiny as an individual living in an
individual society.
It's a funny thing, this individuality. People either define it in very
specific patterns or broad strokes, no in-between. But that makes
sense. Something as potent as the idea of individuality either makes or
breaks a culture in respect to what direction it will ultimately take.
It might seem like my communist masters, planting me as a sleeper cell
back in the land from whence I came, were successful in manipulating
and twisting around the teachings of the great American society I was
reared in, but I always knew there was something funky and unsettling
about American culture and the people here. Now that I'm back, I don't
necessarily have more insight into this situation. I can just
articulate it better.
Individuality is not dangerous. The concept of individuality scares the
living shit out of me. Those two things are different, so before verbal
pwnage is inflicted upon me, let me clarify by saying the "abstract
concept" of individuality. The former isn't dangerous because it simply
exists in and out of itself: people, no matter what society you might
find them in, will always be individuals. This is something that is
overlooked, and for good reasons. Our school teachers, fulfilling their
roles as cogs in the great machine that is a society based on capital,
need to drive and promote this sense of competition in seeing who's
first to actualize the individual inside. I'm not saying it's a bad
thing; these underpaid, underappreciated people are simply doing their
jobs. In short, it wouldn't be good for economy if society failed to
embrace the individual, is what the message is. But I'm talking about
the individual on a much more personal scale. People will always have
emotions, their own viewpoints on values, and the small things that
count, like remembering to hold the door open for others, or saying
thank you when needed. It's the small things that count and add up in
life. On the same token, some people are more innately selfish,
compassionate, malicious, and loving than others. A good parent
ultimately won't affect how their kid turns out, but you can bet your
genitalia that a shitty parent affects the outcome of their kid
immensely. In the end, when you boil down all the technical talk and
cut the feel-good aphorisms in half, that's really individuality is:
how good we are at keeping our strong and weak points in check.
Americans aren't individuals so much as they have a concept of what it
means to be an individual. This confusion of priorities is exercised,
at least it seems to me, through the potency of anger and
dissatisfaction. When people engage in heated discourse, they're not
aiming for what they perceive to be the greater good by turning their
arguee in a different direction. They want to be heard, and moreover,
they want to be recognized for their thoughts and values, not
necessarily because their thoughts and values are virtuous in nature,
but simply because these people have thoughts and values. This kind of
anti-conformity is rampant in such a confused society as America is.
People are willing to be anything but conformists, they'll say. But how
would one go about defining conformity? Once again, as soon as we break
past the flowery language, all it is is simply doing and believing what
everyone else is doing. We all believe in non-conformity and strive to
actuate our individual inside. I don't know, but that sounds like
conformity to me.
I used to be pretty liberal. I hated Republicans with a passion, and I
looked up to vocal left-leaning figures as messiahs carved out of
diamond that didn't come from conflict zones. I'm still pretty damn
liberal; you know, human rights and all that good stuff. And I don't
hate anyone anymore, namely because I just don't have that kind of
energy and time to divert so much attention towards something that
sickens me as a person. Nowadays, I just can't stand conservatives and
liberals, maybe liberals more so. Trust me from first-hand experience
and knowledge when I say the journey of political rhetoric
self-proclaimed liberals embark on in efforts to discredit and crush
their right-wing opponents is a luxury at best, because it's
self-indulgent behavior that one subconsciously takes on in their own
little quest for individuality. Lots of "I's" in their rhetoric. I am
an American. I am the voice of America. Well, great. I admire the
passion and dedication, but that's the extent of my admiration. There
seems to be this sense of entitlement that stems from one's concept of
their self as an individual, which is harmful, in my opinion.
There is this potency that comes from political anger towards
opponents, especially on heated issues such as gay rights and abortion.
It's an age-old song that'll never stop playing. This isn't because of
how many people it affects on a global scale, but rather because of how
divisive it is. I think I lost my capacity to be really sickened to the
core after that one time I saw my neighbor in China root through my
garbage and claw past used condoms to get to a plastic bottle, but I'd
say it's during this kind of self-serving activism that I get anywhere
near close to this sickened feeling I just described. I stopped my own
little crusade years ago because I didn't want to be fighting for the
wrong team. I still vote and read about local elections and policy, but
that's the extent of my political awareness. I don't need any verbal
ammunition to use against my opponents, because really, I don't have
any. The sooner I realized this, the better I was for it. I don't need
enemies to define myself. I have enough shit to worry about.
I often refer to America, this funky little society that I've grown
accustomed to and love from a very sentimental standpoint, and finally,
the "healing" we're capable of but never manage to actuate. I'll spare
the cliches and get to the point: we, as a people, need to reevaluate
our roles as people in the 21st century. This includes (not to shit on
anyone's beliefs) throwing outdated social mores out the window of
great change, and starting to think on a more abstract level rather
than acting on abstract impulses. The concept of the individual will
always remain just that, a concept best reserved for academic thesi or,
say, a Xanga entry. One thing I've learned from numerous interactions
is that it's the small things that count in the end, because they add
up. All the selfishness, pretension, and oft times utterly malicious
behavior that comes with the actualizing of the individual adds up for
one society that's really keeping itself down. Instead of referring to
ourselves as individuals, we need to start referring to ourselves as
just people. We bleed, we laugh, we cry, and we sure as fuck as prone
to all the vice and weakness that preys on us as individuals.
I don't know. It's just something that I believe
| | |
| I hate that Jamster thing at the top of your buddy list that has
supposedly free ringtone downloads, featuring the likes of Lil' Jon and
(currently) Yung Joc.
The sound on my laptop is low as is, but some reason, the fucking
Jamster samples which play a full loop if your mouse goes even a pubic
hair's distance away from that, plays at full blast.
Such is the way of things.
In the words of your core audience that you should be pandering to by
providing an age-content filter for all buddy lists: OMGSTFU.
| | |
| We need to stop paying so much attention to Paris Hilton. I know this
has been said and reuttered to the point of mind-boggling redundancy,
but really. We need to stop with this masochistic, reverse-worship of
people who deserve no more than a spike-heeled shit-covered boot to the
jugular.
In the beginning, I understood the need for Paris Hilton hate. She was
and is a celebrity who became a celebrity because one day, apparently
someone really powerful said, "why the fuck not?" and made her the
walking trainwreck she is today.
But all trainwrecks, like any disaster, have to be cleaned up. After
all the lookey-loos and all the rubberneckers have had their fill of
simultaneously gawking at the scene and commenting how terrible it is,
FEMA or whatever comes in, turns the hose on full blast, cleans up the
accident site, and that's when we as a people collectively allow the
healing to begin.
That's all she is. People like her, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears,
K-Fed, Pete Doherty, and all those fucks who make a spectacle of
ruining their lives, that's all they are.
I felt like when Anna Nicole Smith passed away from natural causes of
ODing, Moral Decency personified was sitting on a motorcycle in a
yellow Bruce Lee tracksuit, with a katana blade slung over his waist,
crossing a name off his laundry list of names. Unfortunately, that was
a stroke of luck and excellent timing, and we can't be that lucky
everytime.
I say we move on. Let's focus on the healing. As long as we gawk and
give them our hate, we hold up the traffic that is the information flow
of real issues and real people and the reality of our own lives, and
the healing will never, ever begin. Let's start concentrating on the
public figures that deserve our praise and adulations instead of our
scorn. Let's start looking towards people who will set examples for our
children in this ever-worsening climate that is society and mass media
bombardment.
Fuck K-Spearslohanton. Erty. They're fuckin' finished. Let them run
their own destructive course in the manner all human wrecks are meant
to: alone, broken, and in obscurity.
And then, lo, the healing shall begin. Fuck celebrities. At least some of them.
| | |
| So, uh, I'm back in America. Good times.
For all my past "China" entries (basically me still bitching about the
same stuff I bitch about all the time, only I happen to mention 'oh,
I'm in China' at the end of each one), refer to aiyahrobba's page.
Although I was back in California for a previous visit during
Christmas, I failed to make any entry about being back because of all
the hub-bub (ie. me downloading an obscene amount of music, tv shows,
and porn after being deprived of anything faster than a 56k for almost
a year), and something I wanted to touch upon was what I missed out on
while I was away. Inevitably, I scrapped that 'idea' because there were
only a few things I could think of, althewhile discounting news stories
that would've reached international audiences, which severely limited
my options. So, I'm not going to write about the Democrats sweeping
victory or Rumsfeld stepping down. Rather, I'm going to focus on the
more important things. Which I can't think of.
Basically, long story fuckin' short, I missed out on Hyphy and Lance
Bass of N'Sync coming out of the closet like we all thought he would've
years ago. I'm disappointed to say the least, but I take small
consolation in knowing I didn't miss out on anything too extravagant.
I also apparently missed out on the complete blowing-up of Youtube, as
evidenced by Time magazine's cop-out "Entity Of The Year" special
issue, in which they said you, that's right, you, were the movers and
shakers of 2006. And that's the year we collectively peak as a people,
sadly enough. After 2006, everything is going to go downhill. Thanks a
lot, Time. You've inspired legions of unambitious net-surfers to
simultaneously throw away their hopes and aspirations all in the name
of embracing the you-ness. But that's fine with me. I personally can't
wait for millions upon millions of more music videos of edited scenes
from Final Fantasy games and various animes synched to Linkin Park and
Evanescence.
Let's see what the rest of 2007 holds for me. I've already missed out
on Black History Month, which deeply saddens me, but at least I'm going
to be around for Lent and then Easter. Let the party begin.
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| So uh, I'm in China.
I created a new Xanga account just to mark that occassion. For the time being, new posts will be on that one.
http://www.xanga.com/aiyahrobba
That's about it for now. See you guys on the other side.
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